Man Friend
I realized today that I have a very eclectic and specific list of what I want in a guy.
1. Beard and/or scruff. Now, let’s keep your hair short, because the Jesus look is best kept to… well, Jesus. And dirty hippies, but who wants to boink them? Am I right?!
2. Tattoos. Face tattoo? Stupid. Last name either on your chest or forearm? Even more stupid. A tattoo of your dog? Debatable. A tattoo of your dog Chico the Chihuahua? Get out of my face. A sleeve? Hot.
3. Chef. Even if you’re a little douchey, typical of a chef, I will still want to touch you. If you try to one-up me in the pastry department though? I will hate you.
4. Don’t drive like a dick. Your penis is probably not any bigger than the guy driving next to us, so just simmer down, ok?
5. Mac. Enough said.
6. Please like The Smiths, please. Please don’t like dubstep, please.
7. I hope your family isn’t a bunch of dicks. They can be assholes, because hey, we’re assholes and I dig it, but if they want to exclude me at holidays and act as if no one will ever be good enough for their “baby,” then I will proceed to tell them to suck my balls. If I had balls.
8. Don’t be afraid to like my cat. I understand that to the World it will mean you’re a homocake if you like my cat, but I’m sure I’ll understand. Besides, you’re already a homocake for wanting a serious relationship.
9. A) Read, B) Know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re,’ C) Know the difference between ‘their,’ ‘there’ and ‘they’re.’
10. Be accepting that I’m an asshole. Chances are we’ll make a great asshole-duo. We’ll go around being assholes and it will be awesome.
